tell me what i'm supposed to want. that's what i want.

you ask me what i want like it actually matters. and for the thousandth time i answer like i actually know.

the truth is that i've never been further from knowing anything in my life. how the fuck am i supposed to know? why am i supposed to know? (you don't. that i know.)

a few months ago, i told you before we deserved better than 'this'... and then yesterday i went directly against what i said. (classic jess move, right there.) you asked what changed, why we suddenly don't deserve better.

the truth is you deserve better, and i'm a masochist, and that is all.

i said i was comfortable with our continued state of no "us" despite not wanting to be one-half of anything else. i mentioned waiting for something to want to be apart of (another "us") and you used that against me.

i would like to remind you waiting is passive; it is seeking that is active.

i can wait forever. masochist, remember? sick joy in something horrible. not getting what i want makes me happy because then i can complain about it. and in a sick way, complaining makes me happy.

and there we are.