what is the difference between colorless and clear? i never learned that, despite it being taught to me.

i want to throw a tantrum like a two year child just physically hurl myself on the floor and cry and kick and scream and be utterly unreasonable wail to the point where my face is red, maybe even rupture some vessels in my eye(s) so that later there are red splotches surrounding the pupils to serve as little reminders of the total loss of control have tears stream down my cheeks and taste them on my lips and cause the wispy sun-kissed hair that frames my face to stick to my skin sob until i'm positively hyperventilating and eventually reach a point where my mouth is open but no sound is coming out, that awful silent scream that children emit and the noise that emerges after is animalistic and full of pain and causes you to shudder

 the only way to handle such a state would be for all to abandon. you know the drill: just ignore them until they tucker themselves out and go to sleep in the crib from which they haven't yet figured out how to escape. you check up on them every 5 minutes, to make sure they are breathing normally again. temperature burning and hair damp with sweat and snot and you collapse in your own pile of silent tears.

this is what i am doing: making everyone i love hate me so that when i go away no one will mind or even notice for that matter. it seems to be working so far.

"my god! people say. you have so much self-control! and later: my god. you're so, so sick. when people say this, they turn their heads, you've won your little game. you have proven your thesis that nobody-loves-me-everybody-hates-me, guess-i'll-go-eat-worms. you get to sink back into your hospital bed, shrieking with righteous indignation. see? you get to say. i knew you'd give up on me. i knew you'd leave." -m.h.

well, i plan on leaving before everyone else can.