scary thought of the hour

it occurred to me as i was writing a card to my friend john

having graduated from pc in may, he's currently in the process of studying to receive his phd from suny stony brook (yeah, i know, my friends are geniuses, nbd). he has called me a few times since school has started, presumably each time just to make sure i'm doing well (or at least okay) because he is the big brother i don't have.

those of you who are reading (2? 3?) no doubt know i am deathly afraid of the phone and never return calls (and yes I KNOW I AM A TERRIBLE FRIEND. it's simply that verbal vomit spews out of my mouth a million miles a minute when i talk on the phone, so really, i do anyone who calls me a favor by not actually returning their request to dial their digits back.)

so anyways, the handwritten note is my primary modus operandi.

and as i sat with the fresh papyrus and my favorite pen, i wrote: "sorry, i have not been myself lately."

and then i realized: i have always been this way. "lately" essentially describes the last 3 years of my life. these coupled insights, in turn, led to this hour's scary thought (yes, i get about 24 of these a day, sometimes more)

what if this *is* my self?

dear god please nononono