shocked and awed

it's funny how when you start to take care of yourself, others do, too.

there it was, sitting in my inbox on election day, sandwiched in between my nytimes news alerts. my eyes blurred and i told jaime it was there before i even opened it. i started crying because i didn't deserve it. thank you.

communication was the key word you used. i have never been good at that. i tend to bottle up all negative emotions until i physically cannot withstand them any longer and regurgitate them all at the most inconvenient of times. a black hole, it all just gets sucked in until the universe expands and explodes, release a catastrophic amount of energy and black matter. or something like that.

in my family, we talk a lot, but don't communicate anything. passive aggression is the modus operandi. god forbid anyone actually just come out and say what about the other person is currently pissing them off; no, if you don't know, then i'm not going to tell you why i want to strangle you. this is so fucking ridiculously ineffective. i realize that it's probably like this in most families. this is how i comfort myself.

i wish, however, that we communicated better. i appreciate you opening up the lines to me once again. this time, i'm not going to be the passive aggressive bitch i've been raised to be, and instead am going to effectively share my thoughts and feelings, and i hope you will do the same. this way, we save ourselves the awful strain of trying to figure out what on another is not telling us - think of all the energy! time! effort! we are saving!

i can't lose you again. i can't afford to not communicate. this time, i'm not going to binge on my unspoken emotions and thoughts. please don't walk away; i need you to lay it out on the table for me so that i can be sustained off of yours.